Thursday, November 18, 2010
Still Glad You're Here
It's been more than a month since we split up.
I've been skeptic, initially, about the hand of friendship that you've extended to me. Skeptic, to the point that I'd be hesitant to leave you at the table because there's a voice at the back of my head telling me that you might tap some kind of poison into my drink.
Those are just my fears resounding.
I'm beyond them now, believe me.
I totally accept the hand of friendship you've given. I'm your first boyfriend and I believe it is a good thing to keep the camaraderie alive. You and I are good company, I'll hand it to you since you opened the possibilities first.
Yet then, here I am, in a struggle with myself; telling myself that your 'yeses' and your 'nos' simply mean 'yeses' and 'nos'.
Facts are facts and those are the real truths. Whatever meanings I give them are simply stories which I've learned to veer away from to prevent unnecessary drama between you and me: we're great friends now and I couldn't ask for more. Or could I?
Ever since we split, we have attained considerable maturity and growth in varying aspects of our lives apart. This was one thing that, I believed, was lacking while we were together.
Are we missing something? Oh yes, we never had a discussion about why it ended... But when will it be?
With all due respect to you, I await your call for a summit between you and me.
At the moment, I am quite happy that you've finally come out to your family about being gay. Family will always be there for you. In fact, you feel that way to me. Nobody's been as welcome as you to my family if we take it in the ex boyfriend context.
To be honest, I tell myself that if you ever find someone whom you feel makes your heart skip a beat again, I would make myself available to you for advice and evaluation. I tell myself that. I do.
But those things are the future. Right now all I have is the present and we're still, somehow, together.
Honestly, I want to be authentic with you about this: I'm glad you're still around. Very very glad.
And I hope this comes full circle... you deserve it.