Saturday, June 13, 2009

Random Thoughts that Shape Truths

Events, words, people, situations: accidentals-- all randomly encountered that may formulate facets of facts that may filter my fluttering fancies, flooding ferally in furvor.

Fuck it. Nah.

The recent 'accidentals' that came in order and time gave me a thought from the very words of a pusit who was introduced to me by one of the 'normals' that I consider a vanguard of the truth that lies beneath my intricate and aesthetic exterior.

"Why don't you want them to know?"

The pusit says.

"There is a bill regarding the protection of our identites, in favor of those who would like to keep themselves from harm's way, ergo an angry mob with torches and pitchforks that may visit the exit a~nd entrance of our caves."

I snapped. Yet I know the moment after I did, I was being defensive of myself. I'm new to this compared to him and my survival instincts as a 'human' (when I still 'was' one). This was a defensive mechanism after the last meeting I had with the young educator who was promising but proved my being assuming was folly.

"Oh yes, you were counseled nga pala before and after the test. Yeah, OK. It's your call and it's our option."

He replied with due respect, as I can sense that he discovers my being a neophyte to the situation or maybe, with due respect still; it's my preference. Afterwhich, he threw another question.

"You're taking ARVs already?"


I said. Off course, we termed them as 'vitamins' since there were crowds nearby at that time; we were at someone's house party.

"How about you?"

I asked.

"Nope. Not yet."


"Well, the last time I checked, my CD4 count was still at 500, so they did not let me take the meds yet."

"When was this last time?"

"Last year--?"

I remembered that you're supposed to have your CD4 count every 6 months or something once you find out that you're positive. So I asked right away.

"Shouldnt you be che..."

"Nope. They still keep on pushing my scheds further since they say that the CD4 kits keep running out."

"But that's absurd. You may never know that your CD4 cells could be below 200~!!!"

After what I just said, he smiled and answered with the same cynical glee that I use to make myself believe that everything will be alright.

"Eh may kaibigan nga ako 5 na lang ang CD4, kaisng lakas pa siya ng kabayo. At nasabihan ko na si Nurse Anna sa RITM ng 'iniintay nyo na lang ako mamatay ano' at magtatawanan lang kami ng ganun."

"Eh one of my friends have CD4 count of 5 and he's still as strong as a horse! And I've already spoken to Nurse Anna of RITM telling her 'What? you'll just wait for me to dy, huh?' and we'll just take it with laughter. To be honest, it feels like a little cheat but if we're just fed up with our lives, we can justs top taking the pill and wait for kingdom come faster than you can say PLAGUE, right?"

"Oh. Ok."

I simply affirmed what he said because I saw the same cynisism that's almost as crucial as oxygen for my survival.

Turning the tables on me, he asked me if I found any guy I'd be interested in at the party, at that time. To be honest, there were more than a handful of guys who were probably enough to call my attention, however, my hands are already full as is. That's right, I told him that, ironically, this house party I'm in is set for me to keep my mind off boys because I scheduled three dates for this week with three different people, two of them I've already met up with earlier within the week and the third, would be the next evening after the party.

Talk about working it!

Honestly, among the three, I've already got my sights setting soon on one but I believe, after the error I committed after revealing it too early with the little prince that turned into a frightened frog, I believe this is going to take a lot of quality time. I'd probably reveal it to him when he says something like 'I'd die for you!~'.

You'd die for me? Really? Well, have I got news for you, papi. And afterwards, it's an honest blank. It's still the bloke's choice if he wants me or not.

After all, at some point of view, he's more normal than I am.

Thought being, the flow of it is randomly further dragged after my third date for this week which involved watching 'Blood the Last Vampire'.

It's about an ancient vampire who kills other vampires. Ok, with all the Edward and Bella and a different type of sucking that I haven't really tried, vampires are popular and are already known for the who, what, how, when, where and why of their 411.

Vampires were human. They were once normal. I was once normal. Equals:

There are two faces arguing in my mind now.

One believes that I am now carrying a weapon that I could use to kill someone over time. This weapon can be used recklessly simply because I can, or I can choose those whom I deem deserving of a slow death. Another option in this category would be that I can turn them into my 'kind', informing them afterwards and making them realize that they now have a small cheat if they get tired of life and they can also drag those whom they want to go down as well. Altogether, leading to the mass auto genocide that one of those creepy old guys was talking about when I was at Ayala Heights. Dark, Devious, nowhere near squeaky clean and definitely original. My mind is such a macabre piece of Satan wannabe.

The other believes in love. In love that I am still deserving of someone who will accept me and embrace me and this tiny little itsy bitsy virus that openned my eyes to see the world from a better point of view. This idea is the perfect real life translation of what Jesus meant when he said 'harder than putting a camel through a needle's eye'. A perfect translation. Ok, maybe I'm going to far putting Jesus in this and the stuff that he says, but ain't I right that he wanted us to apply his words to life, anyway? Really, most truly, if my mind can be darker than the most distant black hole in the cosmos, my heart can be the contradicting light that makes it do overkill overtime.

These are but random events and thoughts and ideas which I pick up from my version of the yellow brick road in the land of HIV, where I hope so freaking hard that I can finally click my heels thrice and really say:

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home."


Wednesday, June 3, 2009

How The Shadow Falls

June 2, 2009, a Tuesday. I was able to do another good deed, I have referred my second person to take the test. This time it's a female. 

The first person I referred was a friend from one of my badminton teams, he came out positive and is now undergoing the necessary steps to keep himself well and with peace of mind.

Two weeks from June 2, around the 22nd at most, her results will come out and I pray that it is negative.

You think I enjoy seeing people discover that they are positive? Part of me dies to close my eyes and ears whenever I see them discover the truth for themselves. The part of me that remains convivial is to see that they pick the pieces up and get on with their lives, stronger and way much more than who they were before I they were even told about the realness of the virus.

For me, I thought I had accepted the truth. I did, I accepted what was mine. That I am and that I should be taking good care of myself now. Sadly, with the rapid adjustment of my psycho and emotional bearing to 'my truth' a certain interest group who is also focused on the fields of HIV and AIDS shared to me another side of the coin that I have not seen and I was not very much ready for.

I was brought by a friend to Ayala Heights in QC. I was brought to a big, airy and contemporarily designed house where there were three people having a discussion in the library of the house. One of them appeared to be in his early 20's while the other two were older at their 30's or 40's. The older guys looked stern, ominous yet focused and concerned. The younger one just kept quiet through the discussion.

I was introduced to the younger one and one of the older men introduced himself. There was one who wanted to keep his identity to himself.

After a discussion of my request for me to be trained to teach provincial areas and disarming their skepticism of my being 'early' to the ranks of our kind. I thought I was succesful until the unknown one spoke of something that spread chills down my spine and an unspeakable fear that replicates itself from generation to generation.

"You see, we know very well that only one out of ten people who are positive have the ability to pull themselves together and have themselves checked. The others will probably never do it and will consign themselves to oblivion. Within three to five years, all these nine out of ten will let the virus fully bloom within themselves and within the initial years of their asymptomatic infection they would have had infected others more than once at least."

The courage and hope in my fibres begin to feel the metal eating terror of the facts that he was dispensing upon me, verb after verb. And all I could do is listen, wide eyed, as he continued:

"Within five years, a huge chunk of our population will die and those who die will have infected others in their life. And the chain will continue and the younger generations will also have to grip the barbed truth of the virus' existence. And the cycle will move on to find itself not just a cycle but a snow ball rolling down the hill until it gets too big, that it will no longer roll and stop, or it will destroy things in it's path."

I could just die in front of him lsitening to the makings of an endless genocide that could wipe entire generations out.

"There could be a cure... Come on, you're scaring him. By taking the ARV's he'll probably have twenty or more years. Science moves fast nowadays. He looks scared already. Give him a break, sir."

The youngest one giggles as he speaks, suggesting that the scary unknown guy was just trying to test if I am really ready to take the responsibility.

The other older guy who introduced himself smiles at me and speaks.

"We're glad that you volunteer to teach the provincial areas. But as of now, there is no training schedules yet and I believe the time period while waiting is a good window for you to think and calm your mind. We care about you enough to let you know the dangers of this too."

"Uhm... any advice or tips?"

I spoke like a coughing lamb.

The older guys answers with a poker face:

"Don't miss your ARV's."