Saturday, February 26, 2011
For the record, I recall my last viral load count to be quite high. My CD4 count has gradually gone down a bit too for 2 consecutive check ups at RITM.
Frankly, it doesn't really mean anything to me. I am aware I've taken my medications religiously-- I may be shifted to a different cocktail, if the decrease of T Cells continue. I recall I ought to be reacting negatively toward this... but it really doesn't mean anything to me now.
Truth is, I'm happy. Genuinely happy with myself. This is more than just peace of mind and peace per se; it's that feeling that somehow I knew I've been looking for this feeling ever since I was but young.
And what is this feeling? It's being the little me again more than twenty five years ago. I just AM me now. All the stories I made up, all the masks I created as reactions to situations, all the negativity towards anything that brought me pain or anything that earned my ire through all those years: GONE.
It's really funny; I've been looking for answers out there all these years and I never knew that the real answer was buried in me; under layers of masks and, stories and roles that I made up to rationalize all the flaws and make myself correct.
Seething with anger, I was obsessed with vengeance and the inability to let go of the past. Drowning in fear, I trembled before things that were not even really there yet. I wasn't wholly living with what was presently before me: life.
I learned to forgive myself.
In fact, just today, I was speaking to my ex, who is now really a very very close friend of mine. He told me that maybe I didn't notice, but there are huge changes with me that he notices me to clueless about.
Acknowledging what he had said, I just told him it still wouldn't really mean anything or much to me. It just is and I'm happy with it. Probably, so happy that I don't even notice at all.
With all the heavy feelings gone; I'm left with nothing: empty and meaningless.
And with this empty and meaningless beginning, I am awash with gratitude and joy as I am given the gift of having infinite possibilities.
And what possibility have I chosen?
I have chosen to be my mother's son: a candid and charming boy that will drive people crazy with joy, warmth and happiness.
I'm back to zero and I'm loving it.
Now I just wonder where did I even pick up the idea that starting with nothing was bad? Nah, I probably have forgotten why I even thought that way-- I wouldn't even look for it and probably never think so again.
My life now begins with a choice. I'm taking the first step alive~
See? Not even the decreasing CD4 count bothers me at all; point is, I know that I've touched the lives of many and probably have made changes that I never even knew were possible.
God, thank You~