Saturday, June 13, 2009

Random Thoughts that Shape Truths

Events, words, people, situations: accidentals-- all randomly encountered that may formulate facets of facts that may filter my fluttering fancies, flooding ferally in furvor.

Fuck it. Nah.

The recent 'accidentals' that came in order and time gave me a thought from the very words of a pusit who was introduced to me by one of the 'normals' that I consider a vanguard of the truth that lies beneath my intricate and aesthetic exterior.

"Why don't you want them to know?"

The pusit says.

"There is a bill regarding the protection of our identites, in favor of those who would like to keep themselves from harm's way, ergo an angry mob with torches and pitchforks that may visit the exit a~nd entrance of our caves."

I snapped. Yet I know the moment after I did, I was being defensive of myself. I'm new to this compared to him and my survival instincts as a 'human' (when I still 'was' one). This was a defensive mechanism after the last meeting I had with the young educator who was promising but proved my being assuming was folly.

"Oh yes, you were counseled nga pala before and after the test. Yeah, OK. It's your call and it's our option."

He replied with due respect, as I can sense that he discovers my being a neophyte to the situation or maybe, with due respect still; it's my preference. Afterwhich, he threw another question.

"You're taking ARVs already?"


I said. Off course, we termed them as 'vitamins' since there were crowds nearby at that time; we were at someone's house party.

"How about you?"

I asked.

"Nope. Not yet."


"Well, the last time I checked, my CD4 count was still at 500, so they did not let me take the meds yet."

"When was this last time?"

"Last year--?"

I remembered that you're supposed to have your CD4 count every 6 months or something once you find out that you're positive. So I asked right away.

"Shouldnt you be che..."

"Nope. They still keep on pushing my scheds further since they say that the CD4 kits keep running out."

"But that's absurd. You may never know that your CD4 cells could be below 200~!!!"

After what I just said, he smiled and answered with the same cynical glee that I use to make myself believe that everything will be alright.

"Eh may kaibigan nga ako 5 na lang ang CD4, kaisng lakas pa siya ng kabayo. At nasabihan ko na si Nurse Anna sa RITM ng 'iniintay nyo na lang ako mamatay ano' at magtatawanan lang kami ng ganun."

"Eh one of my friends have CD4 count of 5 and he's still as strong as a horse! And I've already spoken to Nurse Anna of RITM telling her 'What? you'll just wait for me to dy, huh?' and we'll just take it with laughter. To be honest, it feels like a little cheat but if we're just fed up with our lives, we can justs top taking the pill and wait for kingdom come faster than you can say PLAGUE, right?"

"Oh. Ok."

I simply affirmed what he said because I saw the same cynisism that's almost as crucial as oxygen for my survival.

Turning the tables on me, he asked me if I found any guy I'd be interested in at the party, at that time. To be honest, there were more than a handful of guys who were probably enough to call my attention, however, my hands are already full as is. That's right, I told him that, ironically, this house party I'm in is set for me to keep my mind off boys because I scheduled three dates for this week with three different people, two of them I've already met up with earlier within the week and the third, would be the next evening after the party.

Talk about working it!

Honestly, among the three, I've already got my sights setting soon on one but I believe, after the error I committed after revealing it too early with the little prince that turned into a frightened frog, I believe this is going to take a lot of quality time. I'd probably reveal it to him when he says something like 'I'd die for you!~'.

You'd die for me? Really? Well, have I got news for you, papi. And afterwards, it's an honest blank. It's still the bloke's choice if he wants me or not.

After all, at some point of view, he's more normal than I am.

Thought being, the flow of it is randomly further dragged after my third date for this week which involved watching 'Blood the Last Vampire'.

It's about an ancient vampire who kills other vampires. Ok, with all the Edward and Bella and a different type of sucking that I haven't really tried, vampires are popular and are already known for the who, what, how, when, where and why of their 411.

Vampires were human. They were once normal. I was once normal. Equals:

There are two faces arguing in my mind now.

One believes that I am now carrying a weapon that I could use to kill someone over time. This weapon can be used recklessly simply because I can, or I can choose those whom I deem deserving of a slow death. Another option in this category would be that I can turn them into my 'kind', informing them afterwards and making them realize that they now have a small cheat if they get tired of life and they can also drag those whom they want to go down as well. Altogether, leading to the mass auto genocide that one of those creepy old guys was talking about when I was at Ayala Heights. Dark, Devious, nowhere near squeaky clean and definitely original. My mind is such a macabre piece of Satan wannabe.

The other believes in love. In love that I am still deserving of someone who will accept me and embrace me and this tiny little itsy bitsy virus that openned my eyes to see the world from a better point of view. This idea is the perfect real life translation of what Jesus meant when he said 'harder than putting a camel through a needle's eye'. A perfect translation. Ok, maybe I'm going to far putting Jesus in this and the stuff that he says, but ain't I right that he wanted us to apply his words to life, anyway? Really, most truly, if my mind can be darker than the most distant black hole in the cosmos, my heart can be the contradicting light that makes it do overkill overtime.

These are but random events and thoughts and ideas which I pick up from my version of the yellow brick road in the land of HIV, where I hope so freaking hard that I can finally click my heels thrice and really say:

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home."



  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Hey!!! At last I've had this chance to take a peek at your "diary". I've long been wanting to do this, but, you know how my life is in the clinic, I've so many clients to handle, so many newly-diagnosed to follow-up, and thank God that this blogspot has been a big help to spread the awareness. My continuing advocacy to have everyone tested is indeed what gives me strength to go on with my life. You know my story man, & I know I was really called here to do this "job". Maybe it's what I was detined to do, comforting people, at least saving them from committing "suicide" (hehehehe!!!) or at least listening to their loooooooooonnnnnggggg stories... just like what i did with you! hehehehe. Man, it's been 4months, I can feel that you are tracking the right path, I know you are perfectly fine with your situation, and I know you will be a great help to my advocacy too, we share the same sentiments. Let's work together in spreading the "WORDS". I'm wishing you the best man. Keep it up!