Wednesday, May 27, 2009
"Don't deprive yourself of a love life. Love is part of life and for us, life will still go on."
These were the very and only lines that were trivial that came from my counselor. Bobby Ruiz spoke this with much conviction but I don't know if he meant those lines for me. I guess he did, since he was speaking only to me, at that time.
Serious relationships? I've had less than 10. Pseudo relationships? I've had somewhere within 25? Flings? I'm not good at accounting. A heart? I still got one.
A broken one...
Much like my body; but no one can see it since this thing's asymptomatic and they'll only know if I confirm it to them.
I don't have to tell everybody, sure don't. But what about those who want to get in my life. I can see it now as I've expected the worst: everything that they are promising to be and everything that they wanna share with me would and can plop into ashes as quickly as I can say H-I-V.
I'd be a motherfucking hypocrite if I said I don't want or even need a love life in the long run. But here in the Philippines, if the stigma upon HIV testing scares the living shit out of the misinformed public, the hell it can scare the most stalwart Cassanova, when he finds out that the bitch's ass he's been sniffing is spiked with HIV.
There are guys that I "dated" [dated, meaning that I went out with them, got to know them but did not stick any organ of my body into theirs or vice versa] that seem promising but that's the case: they don't know everything about me and of course, that includes the virus.
I had to see how it works. I had to admit it to one of them, and it was my biggest mistake in doing so because I admitted it to the most promising one. Promising because he's well educated, came from a good family of breeding and stock, had above average culture and seemed to be open minded. The operating word was "seemed" and it is now in the past tense.
Nope it won't cut it. Even for someone who can be the creme de la creme of the Roman Catholic Archipelago of South East Asia, who has studied from a top university, and is expected to know more and be a man for others-- Na uh. The virus beat 'Romeo' out of his wits. HIV 101 is still not available even in the highest bastions of education of the still developing Pearl of the Orient.
This is what they feel. If they had other feelings aside from it, fear would still be the prevailent entity that will drown all hope from people like me who are still people-- that's what we believe to be.
So what do I do now? How do I operate? I can just eat them like hamburgers without telling them, of course, I'd use protection, but it'd be the same thing all over again... just using a condom this time.
Oh yeah, I forgot. This could be my penance. It can't be all sunshine, unicorns and pink elephants in lemonade after knowing you're positive.
Alright, security blanket is off. I've to set my mind on how to operate. Heart? I've to set it aside, coz the moment someone does some math and decides to tell me he loves me, without knowing that I'm positive, it automatically means 'fuck you' to me. And like the vampires in the Camarilla do, we'll just toy around the little son of a bitch and decide if we give him the dick, the finger or the most painful coup de grace: become like us.
Cmon, you wouldn't love me if you wouldn't accept and understand everything about me, right?
So the next time I really love someone, I'll tell him. But not right away. I'll tell him when he thinks he's the perfect man for the job. And I do hope he holds on to his balls.
As for now, I think I'll go get myself a juicy hamburger tomorrow, eh? After all, my hamburgers don't have to know.
*SNAPS FOR EVERYONE*