Ryan and The Lesson

Nearly 4 months ago, there was a guy I met online who had a brilliant mind and could easily communicate with me by just simply being himself with me. There came a point that we were getting somewhere just by conversation and somehow, he started phasing in and out like a phantom.

Months have passed, I've met new people in my new life and each one is somehow intrinsically unique in any which way I try to look at it.

While I was getting on with my life and learning to slowly digest people for the person that they are, the person mentioned above, Ryan, glides in again with a "How are you?" over text. He knows about me, somehow it just came naturally that I thought he should know, but that wasn't even before he started phasing out randomly.

The conversation came to a point where I slightly chided at his intellect, that even such a brilliant mind can be subdued by fear of knowing something one cannot fathom. He replied with a simple answer that should have been one of my speculations from the start:

"That's true... the truth is, guilt is also fear. I have a boyfriend, already... I had him even before we met... and I couldn't tell you."

No anger nor negative feeling of the like tapped me at all. I felt warm. I texted him and told him in a very meek way that I knew from the very start that he could never be perfect and that somehow he makes mistakes too. Though his personality was strong and was the type to loathe error, I could just simply sense the seeping guilt he had whenever we spoke.

Why? Why bother knowing. I'm just glad I met him and that's that.

For every person I've met so far, I didn't tell any of them. Just less than a handfull. But I enjoyed sitting back and knowing them for who they really are. Not rushing into anything and being less reckless wtih the ideas of infatuation.

I had to do this. Initially, it was torture. It wasn't my mode of operation but somehow, with dedicated curiosity and the thirst for changes, I saw that it felt very new.

I learned to appreciate them for the person that they are. I saw their strengths and their weaknesses. How they struggle with their obstacles and how they bask in joy with their simple pleasures. I became temperemental with how I reacted with their every deed. I just simply enoyed myself knowing them for who they are. Most of them new people, some of them, I decided to take with me from my old life into my new one. I felt that some were still applicable in my new chapters.

Time well spent. It was time well spent knowing them. Slow indeed, not the penchant of young and blood-boiling youths for their style is to rush into it for experience.

I stood there watching them get hurt, happy, funny, dramatic, lousy, heroic, martyr like, cunning, dastardly, altruistic, loud, solemn and every other possible adjective. I saw them and their humanity and I can still relate.

For this I am glad. I am even more thankful that there are times I could be there for them to cry on my shoulder. Even if I am single and I harbor something that others cannot understand, I knew there and then that I was needed and I could help.

I've already thought to myself that love and romance will come. It would be selfish and stalemate if I continued to think of it and hope of it's arrival.

Learning all this, and not being able to update in such a long time, I could just compare the thoughts I had before. I've finally found peace within myself. Real peace.

It's not over at all. Surely, obstacles will come and I will be tried time and again. But for sure, there is one sentiment that will be present when such trials come:

Gladness.

*Snaps for Everyone*

Another Survival

Why did it take so long for me to update again?

Well, see here, I've mentioned about being the middle child and coming from a broken home. In this broken home set up, we have already reached the pre empty nest stage wherein we, the kids, should be taking off, however, the broken home per se as one of the factors, our eldest brother has a combination of the failure to launch syndrome and the Prince of Wales syndrome. If my mother made a miscalculation by treating me like crap, she made a bigger miscalculation by treating our eldest first born as a buddha. Thus the buoyant, bouncy and corpulent shape with the matching sluggish and sloth like lifestyle married with the illusions of grandeur that everything is as feasible as a fairytale (especially if he cries and dramatizes)-- mama would simply melt and give him his candy. Awww (fuck it.)

It gets on our mom's nerves but hey, she spoiled him before and she never will stop spoiling him. I told her that, but noooo-- like the complex equation above just said: she treats me like crap.

And yes she does and it shows as a warrant of arrest with my name on it was presented by a policeman outside our house nearly two weeks ago. I'm not at fault, but let's just say since my signature is on a check for a business of ours and my mother, bright and devious as she is in balancing and upping the ante to her favor, with me expendable of course, deffered payment to a supplying company.

It's not her name. It's mine. So yeah, she'd probably do a gung ho accounting stunt since it wasn't her goose that was gonna get cooked. I had to run and hide at my dad's subdivision in Laguna where the long arm of the law won't be able to reach my poor waning CD4 cells, who were just dying to find out that I was being charged by the Republic of the Philippines.

Surprised, I was solid that day it happened. I just kept quiet and smug about everything. Hey, she treats me like shit anyway, so what's new? It's just a degree higher (or should I say lower?). Am I this numb already? My younger sister was definitely pissed, probably because she saw everything from neutral ground, seeing that I'm doing what I can too help out with the businessess, as our Happy Buddha of an older brother stays happy as the buddha he is, chomping on the pie in the sky that's his girlfriend, who, by the way, will probably never make it to my christmas Card list or anyone in our family's at all for quite sometime.

We can spot a user a mile away, Fatso! Use your head!

Well, after hiding, I posted bail with the help of my mum's attorney. Well at least she thought of HELPING the dirt beneath her feet.

Thank goodness I'm still alive, OK, and amazingly not questioning why these are happening. Honestly, I don't wanna mind them too much. It's not good for me. I'm focusing on my closer friends who I play sports with regularly.

Some of them know, some of them don't, but they're real people. They're not the Ladida Society that go out clubbing and acting so nuveau and pleasing people, who don't care about the new stuff that they bought, or the expensive adventures and latest drugs that they shoved up their noses. Nope, they ain't that. They're people I can talk to when I'm feeling odd and they really listen and help out. They won't stab you on the back because they're not the Gossip Girl type shit that everyone's trying to be nowadays.

All this angst and I'm still ok and smiling coz I know that with the company I'm keeping, the sun is shining on this side of Manila for me.

It helps me survive. It's just that as life will always continue to pour the sweetness and the bitterness and all other kinds of bruhaha, as I have passion for my friends, their problems also affect me and just today a bitter ordeal has struck one of my close friends.

A break up. A gay break up. Usually, for most, they're as common as the jeepneys that add a silvery shade of bull shit to our Metro traffic, gay relationships come and go fast, hard and you wouldn't even know it happened if you don't update regularly.

Here's the sad part: in our team, we all love both of them. Of course, both probably made a mistake, but one had to cheat, and it was the younger one (as usual). They're age gap's kinda big, so I wasn't surprised, it's a technical you-ought-to-know, but it's still different when it really happens to people close to you. This is the part I really don't like: I don't mind if I'm the one getting rained on, but if it's someone I care about, it really affects me (eg Michael Jackson, I cried for him already, he will always be the King of Pop and media treated him worse than how my mum treated me, so I'm really sorry for it, MJ. We love you).

I survived. I'm gonna get through this. We're in this together. It's not game over for me. It won't be game over for you. There's tomorrow. Life goes on. Love goes on. Everything changes and movesin fidgets or leaps and bounds. Everything.

This is supposed to really bother me, but it's not anymore. Maybe because the worst has happened. Or maybe I'm as numb as the corns on my feet. Hah!

Survival. It's a jungle everywhere nowadays.

*Snaps for Everyone*

A Letter From a Far Away Friend

I'm going to paste a friend's letter here. I just received it today and it really warms my heart, thought short, it's precise.

We've never met in person. I talked to the guy online and he is one of those rare people who makes sense and keeps the internet worthwhile.

Statistically, I've had more nasty and carnal experiences from eye balls. I mean, in a country that nurtures a culture that frowns upon my people, we have no choice but to interact in the shadows of online chat and profiles. With this being the case, it is difficult to find real and honest to goodness people. There is a larger chunk of the online gay population in the Philippines that are just there to screw you and forget what happened. What about those who are just new in knowing that they're gay? Most of their hopes and dreams will be shattered simply just by meeting with the wrong people who are everwhere.

With this thought in mind, I will timidly celebrate this short letter I have received from a good soul that is immune to the limits of boundaries and distance.

And the letter goes:

Happy Early Birthday 

d:-) 

I believe that life has significant things in store for you. You have the warm heart of an activist determined that the misconceptions perpetuated for generations do not tarnish the spirit of those vulnerable enough to believe without question. Your strength in that realm suggests that in addition to fueling your own passion, you have the capability to touch the lives of others. And all you really have to do, in order to do so, is to live your beautiful life as true to yourself as you possibly can. 

Take a look at the cute boy in that profile picture of yours. The warmth radiates from your eyes into open hearts. 

I tell myself those words when my mind wants to drifts towards fatalistic thoughts surrounding the brain tumor a doctor discovered I had last year. Kinda Inoperable. Possibly Debilitating. But I don't have enough energy to devote to focusing on that. So I focus on maintaining my health & happiness, as best I can (even those sometimes I don't). Therein lies my peace. 

Anytime you need a friendly word my brotha. I am here. 

With an open heart. 

And as the letter ends, I take a moment to smile and thank the stars that I simply am and simply still.

It's not all that bad.

Usually I have a moment of tears a few days before my birthday. This year, there is none. Why? I do not know. The morale I have can be as neutral as it could be at the moment. My first birthday knowing that I am positive-- it doesn't really strike me much as I have expected. A bonus year, perhaps? There are things that I have to do, that's why He allows me to live still.

I have to find out what must be done and I have to do it as soon as possible, I guess.

I'm starting slowly... or the elders say I've started quite quickly.

Doesn't matter. I've started.

*SNAPS FOR EVERYONE*

Clearer

It's been a while since I've logged something. I've been very busy. No, I'm not making myself busy to forget that I'm positive but I just simply am.

How have I been busy?

Well, I was nursing a broken heart. But I didn't sulk in it. I don't know how my system simply just picks up the pieces and moves on in less than a day. Yes, I cry. I must, it has to explode somewhere and sometime and what better than as soon as possible, here and now?

Why?

I just realized that love is coming not only from him. Heck, I don't even know if it's coming from him anymore, but I just realized I wouldn't have made it this far without family, friends and even people who I think are crap (the assholes are still part of my life, cmon).

Love: there's just so much to give and receive from the people who care. It's just perceived differently by each and everyone and therefore delivered differently. You just have to accept that.

Therefore yes. I was hurt, I was lied to and I was made to believe but I still wake up and I'm still breathing and therefore I am loved. Period. That's a truth that I discovered and can't be taken away.

Why waste time being emo on something or someone who's just out of it? I've to move. Each day I get is a bonus since I found out. The stress just won't make it any prettier for me.

No, it doesn't have to be another guy at all. And no it doesn't have to be romance. Not that there's ins't. There ARE people knocking on the door but hey, I'm enjoying everything now. They're welcome to stay interested and I'm not complaining at all. You can never tell, they might just press the right buttons someday.

Recently, things in life happen. Larger things: A family friend around my age just got married and attending the wedding and the reception was an entirely different thing now: NO ALCOHOL. But I was happy because without the inlfuence of a blur, I was able to see the clear reasons why not only the bride and groom were happy that day. I met people whom I don't know and they're great and I'm just getting close to having another feisty gal pal who's as alpha female as she can get. I also saw people getting totally wasted and come to think of it, it's just a blessing in disguise that I can't drink anymore, seeing that their poise factor went below sea level.

Even at RITM, the pusits who've been that way are slowly becoming my friends. And I know sooner or later they'll be like family. We share a virus that does a miracle-- it bonds people whom you just don't expect to do so.

I'm not endorsing people to have it, no! It's just that it challenges you. You have no othe choice but to fall or bring out your best and keep it that way. 

It's different when it's clearer! I can just think way much clearer than I've ever had in my entire life!

Oh ahem, but wait. My mum's been asking my sister why I no longer drink and why I go elsewhere aside from the family doctor to treat my 'liver problem'.

Clearly, I believe she ain't ready yet though I see she's begining to feel lighter around me simply because I'm just being 'positive'? (pun intended)

Actually, just now, I'm wondering how am I just being so optimistic. It's a total mystery.

The crying, the healing, the moving on and the ability to stand firm right away is a priceless product after all the bull shit that's been done unto me. Not that I'm angry about it. It just perfectly falls into place. This makes sense.

Taking the ARV every 12 hourse aside, everything feels normal.

No. Clearer, actually.

*SNAPS FOR EVERYONE*

Compromise

Compromise is a virtue honed not a weakness detremental.

With that very line that I saw at the beginning of an episode of Star Wars Clone Wars, every fork that I pass has gained much more value than I could possibly imagine.

Being young and thinking aggressively, I initially saw that being HIV positive was a certain 'cheat' knowing that you're time is much more limited than you know. It empowers, knowing that you have a transluscent time table that allows you to know when the game can be over. Not a hundred percent sure but it's still an edge. Being optimistic? Maybe. Making a fool of myself? Maybe as well.

The rain that falls now upon Metro Manila is a welcome relief from the overwhelming heat that this cruel summer has brought. Each of the rain's tiny hands that pitter-patter upon the charred concrete jungle of mine is a temporary haven of pause.

That being said, I break myself into pieces and try to know my place in this life as of now. 

To be honest, I my love for family is throbbing within compared to my restraint in displaying affection for my siblings. Throbbing because I want to let it out by letting my mother and father know but I am restraining myself as of the moment because of love for them too. It's gonna hurt them to know. Letting my 70 year old dad know is totally out of the question. Even though he may be that open minded, he's already been through two or three strokes ergo he prides that his being 70 is his 'last two minutes' title to keep drinking and smoking. Affable fellow, might as well be consistent eh, dad? As for my mother, she will probably be the one who will find out soon but it's too early. The chances of her going balistic are 50-50. I'm still pondering on how this will come out, but with the situation and the stigma crawling around, I am being patient and tending to other things.

Today, I caught my boyfriend talking to a male voice on the phone. I was resting in my room when he said he'd go down to fix his things. It took some time and I wondered where he was. Arriving at our kitchen, I asked our staff where he was and one of them said he was in the front porch talking to someone on the phone. So before I opened the door behind him, I heard a male voice reciprocate through the phone to him as he was mentioning sweet nothings, sighs and cheesy stuff. I did not twist the knob as I was moved to rest my ear upon the door that concealed my accidental deed of espionage. As I felt him twisting the knob, I went ahead and opened it as if I was motioning to just go out for some fresh air. He had that shocked face and so I vacantly asked him.

"Who were you speaking to?"

"Maricel. My office mate."

He replied.

For a 'Maricel' her voice sounded like she had 10 balls hanging under her cunt. Doing the math, I cut it straight to the point and said.

"I was hearing your conversation behind the door. That Maricel sounds manlier than the two of us in Spartan armor."

He goes on the defensive and asks me why I was listening. 

Hey, if I wasn't listening then I wouldn't find out that 'Maricel" had 10 balls!

He moves on, the phone stuck to his ear and tells me he'll fix his things as I was going to bring him to the MRT station.

In the car, I gave him the cold treatment and told him that he wouldn't be going defensive and baffled if he didn't get caught. And why hide a man under the name of Maricel? And further more, you can talk to 'Maricel' in front of me if there was nothing that wasn't bad going on, right? And so, the cold shoulder was served upon his drop off.

A text message comes from him, apologizing that it was his officemate 'Jack'. Oh hohoho, "Just Jack!" huh? He's not good at covering up his mess. Not a convincing liar either. Obviously he couldn't formulate a rouse. Tsk. I know this manouver with my eyes closed.

Being older, I should have the initiative to speak to him but, alas, the way I deal with things, I take time to observe and be temperemental.

Is my value as a person less now that any intimate partner can see me as a push over because I am positive?

Not being stubborn but I believe esteem for myself won't change, but I will compromise now because every second that I breath, in addition to the moment that I found out that I was positive, is a bonus. There has to be a better way around things. There will always be yet it will not instantly come out, the moment friction begins.

As much as patience is a virtue, in the state I am in and with the virus I am carrying, compromise is an imperrative to be honed as well.

As every second is a bonus as bountiful as every tiny hand that the welcome rain sprays upon a weary and radiated Metro.

*SNAPS FOR EVERYONE*

Think Positive

Cliche as it may seem, I have to start thinking positive (pun not intended) as much as I can. That means it's nearly a 180 degree turn for some traits and niches.

With that in mind, it's a plus that I've gone athletic for the past years ( a year or two before I found out I was PUSIT).

I'm a badminton afficionado. I'm not in the Philippine Team (whew, that'll be a lot of stress) B~ut you can say I'm one of those people who play for extensive hours, to the point that we close the establishments we play in past midnight.

I've been playing for nearly 4 years and I've gone pretty far I guess. I'm not trained though-- I probably just observed and did it from scratch. The point of mentioning this here is that my heart is in the sport. Success brings positivity and the oposite... well... it brought me down. Probably even worse than a break up.

But with this in mind, my attitude has rapidly changed. I'm coping well with it I guess. I'm just being convivial with every game I play, be it a loss or a win.

I hope I can do this with most things in life. This is going to be gradual. From a game that I play to things like work, family, relationship(s) (?) (I mean, they come and go, but I'll be very careful from now on) This entire thing is brand new. I'm lucky to be callous enough to adjust to the fact. Callous? Why? Being callous is caused by too much pressure that it has made something somewhat oblivious or insensitive. Not really. I do care. I want to cry. I have. I know I will again It's stress but don't we all stress? Aren't we all human? Aren't we all smitten by something everyday or at least every other day, for the luckier ones?

It's a brand new life in an ironic twist. To be honest, I used to wish for a new life or to turn back time to a point where everything would be brand new-- I wasn't careful what I wished for and I did get it. Brand new indeed, with a chronic handicap. I'm not complaining, but isn't it like repeating a video game but at a harder level?

Funny isn't it?

What's funnier is that I thought I'd have a hard time becoming optimistic. I'm not a super hero now, hell no. Maybe my psyche is putting up a fight too.

Maybe there's no better feeling than staying alive.

*SNAPS FOR EVERYONE*