First Thing's First!!!

An emotional review and a reminder of direction.

A few days ago I was reminded by a very close confidant of the fall that happened more than five years ago.

This fall resulted into making me a total oposite of who I was back then.

It began when our eyes met June 10, 2004 at NUVO Greenbelt 2. I was wearing a red shirt, 3/4 pants and Addidas sneakers while he was wearing his black collared shirt, slacks and leather shoes. From that point on, I can still remember every detail at the back of my head and masochistically savor every nightmare it gave me after he broke up with me months after.

I did things that I was shocked to do because I knew I'd never do them. I did it for him. For us. I would give him the world and more. For us.

But that's what I thought.

Fast forward 2 years after, it was a long battle within. It was epic as I thought I had given a ghostly close to it 2 years after but then it came that reality would intervene once more to reveal that his decision to leave me was not just because he couldn't go on with the distance, it was someone else and it was all summing up into the flames in my eyes as we were on a car chase in Roxas boulevard. A car chase that meant 'STOP!' when all that my already dying heart screamed 'GO!'

I remembered vividly. Like a dying animal being skinned for commerce, I lay there defeated, with my eyes open to see and remember my predators, and promising myself that the world I wanted to give him was less than the amount my heart needed for it to be whole once more.

Something about me didn't let me close my eyes. It made me stare and look at every detail that brought me the pain. Even the person who introduced the new guy to him is a target in my thoughts: someday, I'm going to drive something blunt and jagged, drenched in my own venomous blood, down his chest and let him feel a tiny fraction of the pain that has taken a life of its own in me. I see this person, still old, desperate, honeysuckled for his money and his drugs and incredibly still facially challenged. He'll die soon, and it'd be an utter disappointment if not by my hand.

All these are but tiny droplets of a cosmic molotov cocktail that is carefully sealed and saved for some special individuals. But as for now, I am recovering very well . Where my wrath knows no bounds, my body does not. I have incurred the virus as prize for dragging down countless hopefuls to the level of being bitter and jaded simply because the world was not enough for my pain.

Like I have pondered earlier, this virus is a double edged blade which I can use to protect and destroy. In the new chapter of my life, I have already thought of a lighter side wherein I will find those who need help and somehow give them the courage to face the truth and live with the virus-- to experience, first hand, the glory of survival. That's not far from now. However I've unfinished business. I have to give in return, to him and to those who are deserving, a slice of the abyssal endeavor that has reminded me of the necessity of wrath and the alternative use for fire. Him, five years ago and that God damned old faggot bastard who introduced the other.

And now, I stand somewhat on the road to recovery and I am reminded by a friend's dramatic, syrup laden slag of a heart ache and another friend's amusing plight into a choking tunnel of love, that's gotten him all wishy washy; these remind me of the principal root of all this Hell fire. Him. Them. They will all pay.

But while I'm fessing up for the creme de la creme a la coup de grace: kudos as my CD 4 count has gone up by 142 points from a scary 238 to a luscious 380! I'll have to put on this sweet little venetian mask that says: "I'm a peaceful little sheep of Little Bo Peep and I couldn't even hurt a fly if I try~".

I lo~ve working inconspicuously. It's so double o sevenly sexy!!!

*giggle*

Calling me deranged?

It's a hobby.

And the good news?

I'm recovering.

And the better news?

I'm going to deliver.

And the best news?

Soon!

*giggle even more*

*SNAPS FOR EVERYONE* (except for those two dog shit pricks)~

Ryan and The Lesson

Nearly 4 months ago, there was a guy I met online who had a brilliant mind and could easily communicate with me by just simply being himself with me. There came a point that we were getting somewhere just by conversation and somehow, he started phasing in and out like a phantom.

Months have passed, I've met new people in my new life and each one is somehow intrinsically unique in any which way I try to look at it.

While I was getting on with my life and learning to slowly digest people for the person that they are, the person mentioned above, Ryan, glides in again with a "How are you?" over text. He knows about me, somehow it just came naturally that I thought he should know, but that wasn't even before he started phasing out randomly.

The conversation came to a point where I slightly chided at his intellect, that even such a brilliant mind can be subdued by fear of knowing something one cannot fathom. He replied with a simple answer that should have been one of my speculations from the start:

"That's true... the truth is, guilt is also fear. I have a boyfriend, already... I had him even before we met... and I couldn't tell you."

No anger nor negative feeling of the like tapped me at all. I felt warm. I texted him and told him in a very meek way that I knew from the very start that he could never be perfect and that somehow he makes mistakes too. Though his personality was strong and was the type to loathe error, I could just simply sense the seeping guilt he had whenever we spoke.

Why? Why bother knowing. I'm just glad I met him and that's that.

For every person I've met so far, I didn't tell any of them. Just less than a handfull. But I enjoyed sitting back and knowing them for who they really are. Not rushing into anything and being less reckless wtih the ideas of infatuation.

I had to do this. Initially, it was torture. It wasn't my mode of operation but somehow, with dedicated curiosity and the thirst for changes, I saw that it felt very new.

I learned to appreciate them for the person that they are. I saw their strengths and their weaknesses. How they struggle with their obstacles and how they bask in joy with their simple pleasures. I became temperemental with how I reacted with their every deed. I just simply enoyed myself knowing them for who they are. Most of them new people, some of them, I decided to take with me from my old life into my new one. I felt that some were still applicable in my new chapters.

Time well spent. It was time well spent knowing them. Slow indeed, not the penchant of young and blood-boiling youths for their style is to rush into it for experience.

I stood there watching them get hurt, happy, funny, dramatic, lousy, heroic, martyr like, cunning, dastardly, altruistic, loud, solemn and every other possible adjective. I saw them and their humanity and I can still relate.

For this I am glad. I am even more thankful that there are times I could be there for them to cry on my shoulder. Even if I am single and I harbor something that others cannot understand, I knew there and then that I was needed and I could help.

I've already thought to myself that love and romance will come. It would be selfish and stalemate if I continued to think of it and hope of it's arrival.

Learning all this, and not being able to update in such a long time, I could just compare the thoughts I had before. I've finally found peace within myself. Real peace.

It's not over at all. Surely, obstacles will come and I will be tried time and again. But for sure, there is one sentiment that will be present when such trials come:

Gladness.

*Snaps for Everyone*

Clearer

It's been a while since I've logged something. I've been very busy. No, I'm not making myself busy to forget that I'm positive but I just simply am.

How have I been busy?

Well, I was nursing a broken heart. But I didn't sulk in it. I don't know how my system simply just picks up the pieces and moves on in less than a day. Yes, I cry. I must, it has to explode somewhere and sometime and what better than as soon as possible, here and now?

Why?

I just realized that love is coming not only from him. Heck, I don't even know if it's coming from him anymore, but I just realized I wouldn't have made it this far without family, friends and even people who I think are crap (the assholes are still part of my life, cmon).

Love: there's just so much to give and receive from the people who care. It's just perceived differently by each and everyone and therefore delivered differently. You just have to accept that.

Therefore yes. I was hurt, I was lied to and I was made to believe but I still wake up and I'm still breathing and therefore I am loved. Period. That's a truth that I discovered and can't be taken away.

Why waste time being emo on something or someone who's just out of it? I've to move. Each day I get is a bonus since I found out. The stress just won't make it any prettier for me.

No, it doesn't have to be another guy at all. And no it doesn't have to be romance. Not that there's ins't. There ARE people knocking on the door but hey, I'm enjoying everything now. They're welcome to stay interested and I'm not complaining at all. You can never tell, they might just press the right buttons someday.

Recently, things in life happen. Larger things: A family friend around my age just got married and attending the wedding and the reception was an entirely different thing now: NO ALCOHOL. But I was happy because without the inlfuence of a blur, I was able to see the clear reasons why not only the bride and groom were happy that day. I met people whom I don't know and they're great and I'm just getting close to having another feisty gal pal who's as alpha female as she can get. I also saw people getting totally wasted and come to think of it, it's just a blessing in disguise that I can't drink anymore, seeing that their poise factor went below sea level.

Even at RITM, the pusits who've been that way are slowly becoming my friends. And I know sooner or later they'll be like family. We share a virus that does a miracle-- it bonds people whom you just don't expect to do so.

I'm not endorsing people to have it, no! It's just that it challenges you. You have no othe choice but to fall or bring out your best and keep it that way. 

It's different when it's clearer! I can just think way much clearer than I've ever had in my entire life!

Oh ahem, but wait. My mum's been asking my sister why I no longer drink and why I go elsewhere aside from the family doctor to treat my 'liver problem'.

Clearly, I believe she ain't ready yet though I see she's begining to feel lighter around me simply because I'm just being 'positive'? (pun intended)

Actually, just now, I'm wondering how am I just being so optimistic. It's a total mystery.

The crying, the healing, the moving on and the ability to stand firm right away is a priceless product after all the bull shit that's been done unto me. Not that I'm angry about it. It just perfectly falls into place. This makes sense.

Taking the ARV every 12 hourse aside, everything feels normal.

No. Clearer, actually.

*SNAPS FOR EVERYONE*

Knowing the Truth

"Well, the good news is that you are reactive to HIV1 and not HIV2."

The doctor said.

"...? Ok, what makes it good?"

Puzzled, I asked with a very grey smirk.

"Well, HIV 1 is a the dormant virus type which takes longer to deplete your immunity system. It's popular around Asia. HIV2, however, is the one that actively breaks down the immunity system and is usually found in westerns."

This is how I recall the doctor, informing me in the most layman term possible. This is how the very first minute of my life, living with the knowledge of me being positive to HIV went.

My body was unsure as much as my mind was. Part of me was expecting this to happen, given the all meat spree that I brought upon Metro Manila. But part of me, that deep seeded human instinct to survive, was shouting a note higher than Mariah's whistle. It'd be stupid if I entertained the though of "Am I gonna die?" or a smoother and ruder "How long till I buy the farm?"-- I waited for explanation and it came verb after verb after verb.

My entire body, mind, heart and sould depended on everything the doctor said at that time.

I was going to be alright, provided I take further tests to see how my immunity system was going and further down the road, if my T Cell count was below 250, I was to take the Anti Retro Virals religiously. It would save me and buy me so much time but I would be depended on it every 12 hours from the first time I take it.

All this set aside, I was shocked at myself for staying calm. I was more concerned about something else. I was concerned about the people who mattered to me.

At that moment, walking out of the hygiene clinic and through the hospital gardens with my friend Ayen, who also took the test, but ended up being negative (applause), I called my boyfriend to greet him. He knew I was going to get the results of my test that day so he asked what were the results.

"Ayen came out negative, Eru."

I told told him, making it a verbal equation that leads to an obvious answer.

"Well, what about you?"

The obvious reply still did not paint the picture in his thoughts. I knew then that he was in 100% denial mode.

"Well, that makes me positive."

I cannot get any more blunt than that.

"You're kidding?"

He couldn't get any more denying than that.

He asked me to pass the phone to Ayen and he kept asking and telling that it was a bad joke. It wasn't. It was the truth. It was the truth that I believed in no less than a minute after explanation because my life depended on it.

Eru was at work that day. He was about to get terminated and he was hearing this from me. It was probably one of the worst moments of his life. After the initial phone conversation, he had to cut it and deal with work for a few hours. Thereafter, it was the worst moment of my life.

The fact that I came out to be positive was easy for me to stomach. It's a truth. But what's hard for me to stomach is when I see people who're really special to me, unable to accept the whole fact about me.

I needed his answer. I needed to hear his voice. I wanted to know if he was going to stay with me or he was going to get on with his life. It was an excrutiating ride going home, with Ayen trying to comfort me because she knew that what mattered most at that time, to me, was Eru. Hours later, he calls back and asks me not to leave him. WTF?! Did I hear that right? Someone who's not carrying the disease asking me to stay? And this someone is the one thing I need to keep me tough through those moments. I needed him and he needed me and something really serious was going to stay serious, finally, in my life.

My brother and my sister and some close friends were the next to know. They all gave the same initial behavior: denial. Denial with the lines "Are you joking?" or "Cut it out." or "For Real? Come on."

It was easier for me to accept the fact. What makes it difficult for me is to see these people who mattered to suffer knowing the fact. I had to let them know, just in case something happens to me. They had to know because I love them.

See here, it's true that there are people who are HIV positive out there. Very true. But how would it feel if someone you know who's really close to you is? The scary part is, I look totally healthy. I've seen the others in the clinics and they look OK. What the people think is that people who are HIV+ are equated to people who have AIDS and therefore look like they're sickly or worse-- making it very difficult to believe that the person, who looks totally healthy in front of them, is HIV+.

All this being said, the matter has been dispensed. Anyone is a candidate and denial will not help the person carrying the virus nor the people concerned with the person.

Another truth? Sometimes, it is hard to accept the truth itself.

Episode Zero: The Word

It has been a month or more since that fateful discussion in the dining room with my tactless friend and my extremely prudent, won't-admit-she's-wrong, mother.

My friend, being tactless, opens the topic of our group's pact that we should all get tested for HIV. My mother, the natural prude that she is, jumps to a conclusion and delivers a bad joke of saying that if one is HIV positive, one should just jump off a bridge. (She should try saying that with a bullhorn in the middle of Castro disctrict, in San Francisco, and I'd like to see what happens.)

At that time, I was a few days away from going to the Hygiene Clinic in Manila. The way she delivers her joke was really annoying. Come on, let's face it, mothers have that uncanny ability to annoy EVERYONE and ANYONE who's not on top of their totem pole, and my being "the gay middle child" is not a recipe for getting anywhere near that pole. (I prefer a different type of pole, mind you.)

Nearly two months after, I'm here now typing this blog, living a brand new life after realizing that I'm a 'PUSIT'.

So what's a PUSIT? In Filipino, it means squid, the aquatic invertibrae with tentacles that spits out ink. But in our subculture for gay linggo, the english word 'positive' is then sprinkled with a little pixie dust, as we all know how we faggetz tend to play with verbs, to form the term "PUSIT" from the 'posit' of positive.

Yes I'm beginning a blog about this new chapter of my life where I am still pondering on how Its going to run. No hassle on wondering how it's going to end, though, I know life's all about possibilities and I could get run over by a truck tomorrow (knock on wood) and no ARV drug would be able to save me and my poor waning CD4 cells.

And like every other pusit out there in the world, I need an outlet. It has to be here. Walking around and being open about it, in a hypocritical, generally Catholic country like mine, is going to get me the attention I never wanted for the rest of my life.

*SNAPS FOR EVERYONE*