Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Warmest Hiatus

I've not updated my blog for a while because I've been busy living my life.

Grand?

No.

Not at all.

I am living life by celebrating another miracle-- love.

He is negative and he knows about me yet he loves me totally, madly, endlessly, boundlessly, truly, vigorously, honestly and most of all lovely.

Miracles do not end there: I am his first ever relationship in any way.

Did any sign of doubt come?

Nope, not from me. I opened my arms and embraced the truth: I can still be loved by a normal human being who knows the truth about me.

I embraced it. I was open wide to a white out that is worth all the anguish and tears that flooded my heart. There is no more fear when I am with him. Even without him, knowing he loves me, there is no fear-- although I do miss him terribly and my body cringes in weakness for I am but the satellite spinning around him, drowning in his radiance that thawed away the cold walls that I built myself to defend.

I am not meant to defend myself from anything.

That is what his love dictates to me.

I am to live a life I have not lost at all.

He's probably reading this now, since he knows about this blog... and he told me this as a reaction to some of my blogs:

'Every time I read something you wrote, particularly those about love, why do I get the feeling that what we have fails in comparison to the excitement, joy and intensity brought to you by the other guys you before?

Was it because I made it to easy? By skipping the getting-to-know stage, did I turn our love story into a lifeless weekly newspaper column that nobody ever reads?

I don't know why I suddenly felt it. Maybe I'm just naiingit because you have not written anything about me, but it's my fault because I have not given you anything interesting to write about. XP

I love you XXXX. I miss you. I miss talking about life with you.'
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Blogs are records in cold binary data. Blogs are but a recording of something that can never be duplicated. And that is why I forgot to update: it's because I no longer need an outlet to store ammunition or coldness-- I'm out in the real world because of the miracle that this guy has taught me and that is love.

Who he is, what he has taught me and the life I live now are all miracles. Second chances that I know will be my last. Sad? Definitely not-- knowing now that life should be lived, why will I even think of any less than him?

I remember his tears falling onto my chest when he told me about thinking of the chance that the day would come that he'd be looking after me in my hospital bed. But still, it doesn't matter to him, because he loves me and he would be happy to spend his time with me in my living moments as well as my dying moments.

Selfish?

Who then?

I demand nothing from him, aside from our petty trivia. But when the day comes that he would demand of me?

I will not do it because the life I live now is influenced by his warmth. I will do it the same reason he does: because I love.

And so my absence will probably continue for a long time as I am grasping the moment not in binary data but in the warmth of his human hands and heart.

I am in love.

Excuse me.

And how can I type into my blog when both my hands are busy holding his?

8 comments:

  1. 看看blog調整心情,又要來繼續工作,大家加油........................................

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  2. Hello there.

    I could very well relate to your piece. I am in a relationship for almost 20 months now and my partner, who is negative, promised to stick it out with me despite my status. He didn't even question when, how and from whom did I get the virus when I turned out reactive in the initial test. What really touched me was when he said he still loves me so much and nothing has changed - i am now teary-eyed as i type this.

    There will surely be more challenges ahead of me and my partner, especially with my status now - but I am confident we can weather it.

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  3. hey juan.... i'm glad he makes you happy... make him happy too, ok? I am just so glad you're given the miracle of love too.

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