Clearer

It's been a while since I've logged something. I've been very busy. No, I'm not making myself busy to forget that I'm positive but I just simply am.

How have I been busy?

Well, I was nursing a broken heart. But I didn't sulk in it. I don't know how my system simply just picks up the pieces and moves on in less than a day. Yes, I cry. I must, it has to explode somewhere and sometime and what better than as soon as possible, here and now?

Why?

I just realized that love is coming not only from him. Heck, I don't even know if it's coming from him anymore, but I just realized I wouldn't have made it this far without family, friends and even people who I think are crap (the assholes are still part of my life, cmon).

Love: there's just so much to give and receive from the people who care. It's just perceived differently by each and everyone and therefore delivered differently. You just have to accept that.

Therefore yes. I was hurt, I was lied to and I was made to believe but I still wake up and I'm still breathing and therefore I am loved. Period. That's a truth that I discovered and can't be taken away.

Why waste time being emo on something or someone who's just out of it? I've to move. Each day I get is a bonus since I found out. The stress just won't make it any prettier for me.

No, it doesn't have to be another guy at all. And no it doesn't have to be romance. Not that there's ins't. There ARE people knocking on the door but hey, I'm enjoying everything now. They're welcome to stay interested and I'm not complaining at all. You can never tell, they might just press the right buttons someday.

Recently, things in life happen. Larger things: A family friend around my age just got married and attending the wedding and the reception was an entirely different thing now: NO ALCOHOL. But I was happy because without the inlfuence of a blur, I was able to see the clear reasons why not only the bride and groom were happy that day. I met people whom I don't know and they're great and I'm just getting close to having another feisty gal pal who's as alpha female as she can get. I also saw people getting totally wasted and come to think of it, it's just a blessing in disguise that I can't drink anymore, seeing that their poise factor went below sea level.

Even at RITM, the pusits who've been that way are slowly becoming my friends. And I know sooner or later they'll be like family. We share a virus that does a miracle-- it bonds people whom you just don't expect to do so.

I'm not endorsing people to have it, no! It's just that it challenges you. You have no othe choice but to fall or bring out your best and keep it that way. 

It's different when it's clearer! I can just think way much clearer than I've ever had in my entire life!

Oh ahem, but wait. My mum's been asking my sister why I no longer drink and why I go elsewhere aside from the family doctor to treat my 'liver problem'.

Clearly, I believe she ain't ready yet though I see she's begining to feel lighter around me simply because I'm just being 'positive'? (pun intended)

Actually, just now, I'm wondering how am I just being so optimistic. It's a total mystery.

The crying, the healing, the moving on and the ability to stand firm right away is a priceless product after all the bull shit that's been done unto me. Not that I'm angry about it. It just perfectly falls into place. This makes sense.

Taking the ARV every 12 hourse aside, everything feels normal.

No. Clearer, actually.

*SNAPS FOR EVERYONE*

Compromise

Compromise is a virtue honed not a weakness detremental.

With that very line that I saw at the beginning of an episode of Star Wars Clone Wars, every fork that I pass has gained much more value than I could possibly imagine.

Being young and thinking aggressively, I initially saw that being HIV positive was a certain 'cheat' knowing that you're time is much more limited than you know. It empowers, knowing that you have a transluscent time table that allows you to know when the game can be over. Not a hundred percent sure but it's still an edge. Being optimistic? Maybe. Making a fool of myself? Maybe as well.

The rain that falls now upon Metro Manila is a welcome relief from the overwhelming heat that this cruel summer has brought. Each of the rain's tiny hands that pitter-patter upon the charred concrete jungle of mine is a temporary haven of pause.

That being said, I break myself into pieces and try to know my place in this life as of now. 

To be honest, I my love for family is throbbing within compared to my restraint in displaying affection for my siblings. Throbbing because I want to let it out by letting my mother and father know but I am restraining myself as of the moment because of love for them too. It's gonna hurt them to know. Letting my 70 year old dad know is totally out of the question. Even though he may be that open minded, he's already been through two or three strokes ergo he prides that his being 70 is his 'last two minutes' title to keep drinking and smoking. Affable fellow, might as well be consistent eh, dad? As for my mother, she will probably be the one who will find out soon but it's too early. The chances of her going balistic are 50-50. I'm still pondering on how this will come out, but with the situation and the stigma crawling around, I am being patient and tending to other things.

Today, I caught my boyfriend talking to a male voice on the phone. I was resting in my room when he said he'd go down to fix his things. It took some time and I wondered where he was. Arriving at our kitchen, I asked our staff where he was and one of them said he was in the front porch talking to someone on the phone. So before I opened the door behind him, I heard a male voice reciprocate through the phone to him as he was mentioning sweet nothings, sighs and cheesy stuff. I did not twist the knob as I was moved to rest my ear upon the door that concealed my accidental deed of espionage. As I felt him twisting the knob, I went ahead and opened it as if I was motioning to just go out for some fresh air. He had that shocked face and so I vacantly asked him.

"Who were you speaking to?"

"Maricel. My office mate."

He replied.

For a 'Maricel' her voice sounded like she had 10 balls hanging under her cunt. Doing the math, I cut it straight to the point and said.

"I was hearing your conversation behind the door. That Maricel sounds manlier than the two of us in Spartan armor."

He goes on the defensive and asks me why I was listening. 

Hey, if I wasn't listening then I wouldn't find out that 'Maricel" had 10 balls!

He moves on, the phone stuck to his ear and tells me he'll fix his things as I was going to bring him to the MRT station.

In the car, I gave him the cold treatment and told him that he wouldn't be going defensive and baffled if he didn't get caught. And why hide a man under the name of Maricel? And further more, you can talk to 'Maricel' in front of me if there was nothing that wasn't bad going on, right? And so, the cold shoulder was served upon his drop off.

A text message comes from him, apologizing that it was his officemate 'Jack'. Oh hohoho, "Just Jack!" huh? He's not good at covering up his mess. Not a convincing liar either. Obviously he couldn't formulate a rouse. Tsk. I know this manouver with my eyes closed.

Being older, I should have the initiative to speak to him but, alas, the way I deal with things, I take time to observe and be temperemental.

Is my value as a person less now that any intimate partner can see me as a push over because I am positive?

Not being stubborn but I believe esteem for myself won't change, but I will compromise now because every second that I breath, in addition to the moment that I found out that I was positive, is a bonus. There has to be a better way around things. There will always be yet it will not instantly come out, the moment friction begins.

As much as patience is a virtue, in the state I am in and with the virus I am carrying, compromise is an imperrative to be honed as well.

As every second is a bonus as bountiful as every tiny hand that the welcome rain sprays upon a weary and radiated Metro.

*SNAPS FOR EVERYONE*

Careful What You Wish For

I'm baptized a Roman Catholic. I wasn't asked if I wanted to be. I couldn't answer back then nor would I understand what they were asking. Infants are usually baptized early into their parents' mutual faith months after their birth. With the Philippines being generally Catholic, I was dealt with accordingly.

Being a Catholic in the Philippines isn't really a showcase of hard core fanaticism and a la "The Godfather" ensemble. The spectrum is different. We've got the regular hard core RCs and we've got them hypocritical RCs and we got those who don't care, those who do it on their time and those who get on their knees when they're in dire need of salvation. The latter batch is the bigger chunk of the pie in Metro Manila. I'm part of the latter chunk,  but I'm still thinking if I'm gonna get down on my knees and ask for a Yamaha Grand Piano to fall on my head anytime soon.

This entire Roman Catholic shindig is a huge factor in the stigma for education combined with knowledge of contraceptives and protection. Truth be told: the Roman Catholic Church is pro education of the existence of HIV/AIDS but they frown upon the fact of hedonism, pre marital sex, condoms and uber soppy blow jobs, sixty-nines, BEL-AMI videos, threesomes, foursomes and moresomes, Katy Perry and her first hit single "I Kissed a Girl" and what it stands for and everything else that you won't see in a place they (OK, fine-- erase erase) WE call Heaven. They say that all of this is technically the devil and it should be erased from knowing. By doing so, they believe that by scaring youth that sex is the devil they have also deleted the curiosity that they are insinuating in them.

Eureka.

Ah yes, halleluja I was baptized a Roman Catholic. Halleluja more, the shamans running my institution is telling me that my soul will be in one 24/7 Swedish Sauna with natural fire and brimstone when I kick the bucket. Halleluja much more, the fact that I am gay is a reason why I'm carrying this baby called HIV and the good Lord, as they say, is going to smight me silly: pitting me 3 rounds against Godzilla.

Them be one (IF NOT THE ONLY ONE) of the reasons why one should not let everyone know if they are positive or not. Let's ask ourselves why we tell people. Why? We love them, we want them to know that it's hit home and we want to warn them that they could be next.

You might not get it with just one good screw at 50-50 chance! The point is, you'd know better had you known-- had you been informed. The good society would've done it's part by informing you the pros, the cons and the facts the possibilities.

I didn't wish to be a Catholic. But I clearly remember on the dot that I really did tell myself I did not want to reach 50 or 60 and look old. For the sake of vanity, I wished not to reach that age. Life has a no return no exchange policy that none can override.

I wasn't careful.

I wasn't careful what I wished for.

Equals:

Everyday from the day I found out feels like a bonus and everytime I hear them hard core self righteous 'Heralds of the Almighty' adding dip shit to the scriptures just really makes me chuckle inside.

Wasn't it that Christ asked for us all to love each other?

Well it's their problem if they can't accept the fact that it exists. I've to make sure I keep it clean on my side of the fence.

If they don't accept the fact, they won't get the details. They'll be fighting in the dark. And what do you know, sooner or later it's gonna hit home and someone's going to have to say sorry.

Last night's show on GMA 7 regarding the "Think Positive" program of the World View said that the tally could rough up to 7,000 ++ people in the Philippines carrying the virus. That is so on discount-- we're talking horny youth and it's summer time, baby. They've got nothing to do except do their own version of "High School Musical R18" this summer.

Geez, parents these days. Thinking that their kids are still into the Care Bears and other kinds of tripe. There's the internet now, duh!

Y'all parents wished their kids knew more?

Careful what you wish for~

*SNAPS FOR EVERYONE*